I’ve spoken about conversation and communication all over the world now, for universities and corporations and tech startups and nonprofits. No matter where I go and who’s in the audience, there are a few questions that seem to come up over and over. I thought it might be helpful to give a brief answer to those common questions, in case you were wondering, too.
1. How do I change the way someone else behaves when they’re talking to me? (How do I stop someone from interrupting me? How do I interrupt someone who runs on and on? How do I get someone to talk more when they only give one- or two-word answers? Etc., etc.,)
- There’s good news and bad news on this issue. The bad news is you can’t change someone else’s behavior. There are a few ways to try to influence someone else, but they mostly involve telling the person that their behavior is disruptive or dismissive and hoping they change their ways in response. On the other hand, there is much you can do to change your own conversational behavior and habits. What’s more, there’s most likely room for improvement. We tend to overestimate our skills in conversation and listening. Finally, human beings often learn by modeling. This is called Social Learning Theory, posited by Albert Bandura. The Stanford psychologist wrote: “Most human behavior is learned observationally through modeling: from observing others, one forms an idea of how new behaviors are performed, and on later occasions this coded information serves as a guide for action.” So, if you are modeling good listening, then the people you talk to on a regular basis may follow suit. Most importantly, you have full control over your own behavior and almost no control over someone else’s. So work on the former and don’t worry about the latter.
2. Isn’t it okay to not talk to someone who’s racist/offensive/ignorant/homophobic? On principle, I don’t want to hear those offensive opinions and empower that kind of ignorance. Isn’t that okay?
- Nope. Hearing an opinion is not the same as endorsing it. Our current polarized situation has been caused, in my opinion, by fleeing from distasteful opinions and conversing freely only with those who share our views. It’s not good for your own mental and emotional development, and it’s terrible for society, as it allows us all to isolate ourselves and see other human beings as enemies. Often, our frustration in these exchanges is caused by our attempts to change minds or convince someone else that we are right and they are wrong. But the chances you’ll do any of that are extremely slim; it’s best to assume it won’t happen. So, stop trying to change minds and, instead, aim to learn something about the other person. You can achieve that goal 100% of the time. Enter the conversation intending to learn from the other person and gain a better understanding of their perspective and why they believe as they do. This will prevent you from isolating yourself inside an ideological bubble and it just might open your mind to new ideas.
3. I’m an introvert. Doesn’t that mean too many conversations isn’t good for me?
- I haven’t found any evidence that introverts are worse at conversation than extroverts. Introversion is about being predominantly focused on your own thoughts and interests and gaining energy from time spent alone. But both introverts and extroverts see real health benefits from small talk, and those who are less socially isolated are less prone to depression and generally healthier. In fact, small talk is great for introverts. You get the benefits of social interaction, but those little chats in the grocery store and the taxicab are time limited. You know you won’t be stuck in that conversation for a long period of time. What’s more, that cab driver or barista or grocery store clerk is paid to be nice to you! So there’s no danger that you’ll be met with rudeness or inattention.
4. When someone tells me that they’re struggling with something (a death, loss of job, divorce, illness, etc.), I often tell them about a time when I struggled with the same thing. I really feel like they appreciate it and it tells them they’re not alone. I think it shows empathy. Why is that a bad thing?
- I understand the impulse to do this. It’s natural to think of similar experiences when someone tells us about an obstacle they’re facing. Our brains search for relevant experiences in order to help us understand what we’re being told and put the information in context. That’s perfectly fine, but it’s best not to verbalize what you think of. When someone is struggling or suffering, they need to be heard. As author David Augsburger once wrote: “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” I know it feels like you are expressing empathy, letting them know they are not alone and that you know how they feel. But you don’t know how they feel, not really. They’re a different person in a different situation. It’s best to ask how they feel and let them tell you. Tell them you’re sorry for what’s happening, ask how you can help, but don’t turn the focus of the conversation to yourself by talking about your own experience. Just let them talk. Witness their struggle.
5. Are men worse listeners than women? Do women talk too much?
- This is an open question at this point, and it’s hard to generalize based on gender, but here are some intriguing study results. One small study (only 40 people) from 2000 showed that when people listened to an audiobook, the men listened with only the left side of their brains while the women used all of their gray matter. That doesn’t mean women are better listeners, though. Research from Cambridge in 2014 suggests women have a stronger natural ability to listen, though, and a poll of men revealed that most men think they don’t listen well. However, women don’t talk more than men. Both genders have a tendency to talk in different situations: women talk more in project groups, for example, unless there are seven or more people present. In that case, men will dominate the discussion. When people are chatting over lunch, women are more likely to talk when there’s a big group. While there are real differences in how people are perceived when they speak, those are mostly cultural, not biological.
These are the most common questions I get when I speak, although there are others. The most important thing to remember, in all situations, is that talking to other humans is generally good for you. Long, in-depth conversations are healthy and so are short little chats about the weather. So, instead of finding reasons to avoid a conversation, try to find reasons to engage. Give yourself an excuse to put down your phone or your work, and have a quick conversation with the person near you. Or, keep the phone and use it for the purpose for which it was originally designed: calling someone and talking. You won’t regret it.